Phew!  That is all I can say after a long and arduous time of meditation (on my prior post, “Do Not Fear“, quoting Isaiah 41:10 to meditate upon).

I began my meditations by turning my thoughts to my fears.  I wasn’t sure where this was going to take me, because I kind of feel like I’ve faced my fears and overcome them through acceptance.  However, there was something in that verse from Isaiah that told me there was something more there … more earth to churn within me.

So I went through my personal litany of fears … my own trials of Job: the person I love breaks my heart, I lose everything in terms of possessions, more beloved family members passing away, etc., etc.  None of these felt like what I was supposed to be looking for though … they all seemed … topical.  It felt like I needed to find the source of these fears.  So I sort of let go of my internal sleuthing and just communed with God; hoping God would give me the guidance that I needed.

When that guidance came it sort of smacked me between the eyes (or I guess that would be right in my Third Eye? lol).  God showed me that my greatest fear … is God.  I kind of did a little inner flailing at this … how could my greatest fear be my greatest love??!  Then I recalled that in Tarot there is actually that very category: Hope/Fear.  The concept that your greatest hope IS also your greatest fear.  I searched and searched within me for where this fear resided, so that I could confront it and remove it from my space … I did NOT want this fear inside of me … for the one Being that I love so passionately.  I couldn’t find the manifestation of this fear though … it was very frustrating.

God showed me a picture of myself when I was a child, and then another picture of that formerly boarded up well within me (described in an older post, “The Importance of Creating A Beautiful Inner World“) where I had shoved all the grief and anguish over being sexually abused.  THAT was where this fear resided.  As a small child whose mother had just passed away … how could a loving God allow that child to be sexually abused???

So I went down that well, as you can do in visions and dreams, and began exploring what seemed like a vast chamber.  Suddenly I came across a gigantic beast, that looked like it was sleeping.  As I looked closer, I recognized it.  In the past God has sometimes appeared to me in the form of a golden dragon … not a scary one though; a gentle, happy dragon that would fly me all around this inner world I had created. I know, it sounds weird … I’m not even a fan of dragons in fiction.  I didn’t really understand it myself, but God told me it was the form that my mind would believe was actually God.  This great beast was at least ten times as big though, and it most definitely did not look gentle OR happy.

Still, I knew it to be God so I hurried over to it and brushed the side of its head with my hand, “Wake up.”  The single eye that I could see opened and just stared at me.  So I stared back, more than a little confused and slightly frightened.  I asked, “What am I supposed to do??”

The God dragon thought at me, “You must let me consume you.” and it opened its cavernous mouth.

I didn’t hesitate at all … I love and trust God enough that I just stepped into the dragon’s mouth and that was it.  That is the last thing I remember from my meditation … I guess I just fell asleep.  When I woke up, I was unsettled … mainly because I didn’t feel like I had come up with the answer I was looking for.  I tried to meditate further, but I was just unsettled … I didn’t like the idea that I was afraid of God … somehow that seemed like something that could end up threatening my relationship with God, and I wanteded to FIGHT against that.

So … I got up, and went for a jog.  Sometimes a long walk, or drive, or jog is just as good a form of processing things as an intensive meditation session.  I turned things over and over in my mind.  Finally I went back to my personal trials of Job … my fears of what might be.  I realized that what I was scared of was that all of those things really could happen … and that God would allow them to happen, just as God had allowed that little child to be sexually abused.  Maybe God would simply allow them to happen, as in the story of Job, just to test the level of my love and commitment.  My fears really started to overwhelm me in that space.

Then … the answer came to me … this fear is no different than any of my other fears.  I have GIVEN this fear that level of power because it got tied into those very painful parts of my childhood.  That is why the dragon was so huge and frightening; buried deep under the earth of my psyche.  I had held onto these fears for decades and they were ultimately blocking me from truly being one with God.  That was also why God told me, “You must let me consume you.”

The way to overcome fear … is to simply accept it.  Then, when you have accepted your fear (instead of fighting it or pushing it away) you are left as your True Self … the person you really are, instead of the person REACTING to all those fears.

So I accepted the Trials of Job, or at least my fears of them.  I accepted that God may very well allow those things to happen to me simply to test the depth of my devotion.  When I did I let out a tremendous sigh of relief as all those fears just dissipated … and there I was again … the real me, my True Self.  As that person I was then able to say, “Okay, I’ve accepted that these things might be a part of my future.  How am I going to proceed with my life?”  The answer was clear … I am going to love and trust God anyway … there is NOTHING else I want in life … fear disarmed.

I am glad to have arrived at the answer to my greatest fear … but am now somewhat exhausted (lol).

* Thanks to Kristel for prompting me down this path today with a response to one of my posts yesterday.

——-
Religion4All is an idea: that every human being (no matter their race, religion, sexuality, social status, lifestyle, or any other possible factor) is LOVED by God; just … as … they are.

We all are loved by God, and NO religion or person has a monopoly on it. Every single person on this planet is loved equally by God … SO many are cut off from God because they are told they don’t belong. God loves everyone … we ALL are beautiful creations … we don’t need to cringe when we hear the words “God”, or “religion”, or their judgments … God LOVES us all!

There is no requirement to change in order to be LOVED by God, or to LOVE God. God is LOVE, and LOVE is God … period. There is no one who God loves more than anyone else … there are only those who choose to LOVE more … to love God more, and consequently then to love each other more. In doing so, we grow closer to God … and know God.

By opening our hearts, and minds to God (free of boundaries like religion, or social trends); by LOVING God … we are exactly where we are meant to be. If we maintain that openness, never allowing any person or event to make us close our hearts, we will be guided by God to be who we are meant to be.

In that space of openness we can then live a life of LOVE, and be guided to where we are meant to be … forever in LOVE.

Southern California, Northern California, Mission Viejo, Irvine, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Marin, San Jose, San Juan Capistrano, Santa Ana, Palm Springs, Long Beach