I recently heard a friend pose the following question (which actually was asked quite harmlessly to their dog),

“Am I deserving of that??”

My friend corrected the statement instantly by saying,

“Well of course I deserve it, what a silly thing to say!”

Oh, how the things we say to animals, or babies, can actually reveal SO much about ourselves!

Thus began a very interesting conversation about how we are constantly asking ourselves this very question … and where such an idea comes from.  This was ultimately a conversation that caused me to ruminate and meditate upon this very question for the entirety of the day!

Truthfully?  There are SO many ways that we live our lives by asking this question.  Are we deserving of treating ourselves special (from simple things like a treat, a massage, or an hour to ourselves all the way to how we act on a daily basis … and who we love, or how we allow ourselves to be loved!)???

For myself, I realized something significant.  I realized that I have always sought after significant relationships that have lax boundaries … I admit, I have had a lot of fear in my life about absolute commitments.  I have always told myself that I am afraid that if I engage in such a relationship that I will eventually hurt the other person … we see it all around us every day, so why would it be any different for me??  How am I any better than all these millions of well-intentioned people who wind up hurting their spouses, or children?

In truth … what I discovered is that what I have really been afraid of is that I will NEVER find someone who actually loves me for who I am, on that level!  I was deceiving myself … I wanted it to be about me trying to be noble … that I was trying to save whoever I was with from pain.  What I really found is that I have been avoiding such a unique level of purity in a relationship, because I am SO scared of being hurt on that level.

Here’s the thing though … when you embrace a life of open-heartedness … you simply can’t shut yourself down any more.  It’s impossible.  Every day you are either deciding to keep your heart open, no matter what, or you decide to keep reacting in the same defensive patterns that have marked your entire personal history.

I will never consciously shut myself down for an extended period of time … ever again.  I might have lapses that I notice in an hour, or half a day … but that is it.  Closing my heart is SO apparent to me now, that I can’t engage in it for long without those haunting symptoms of fear, anxiety, and other things from my past to kick in.  When they do?  Well then I simply open my heart, center myself in God, and move forward again … no self flagellation, or personal guilt trips … I just let go, and keep my heart open.  It really is that simple.

So now, as I arrived at this new level of myself … I realized … YES!  I AM WORTHY of being loved on that level.  I AM DESERVING of having somebody see me for who I am, and loving me for being that person.  I don’t have to pretend to be ANYBODY else.  I don’t have to live up to anyone else’s expectations on anything!  All I have to be is me … a being who ultimately was created to LOVE.  If I can be that person all the time; always centered in the purity of God’s Love … then I have achieved the purpose I was intended for … and it doesn’t matter what that looks like on the outside.

That is how God sees me … and isn’t it fitting that we each have somebody out there who will eventually see us how God see us?  The only way they will ever see us that way though … is if we allow that authenticity to be manifested in our daily lives.  If we hide that person … then we WILL end up being rejected … but somehow we think we are protecting ourselves because having our “false selves” be rejected is something we can excuse:

“Well, they didn’t really know the real me.”

Whose fault is that??  The only way you will be accepted for your True Self, is to BE your True Self … to LIVE as your True Self.  Sure, if you get rejected as that person, it hurts more … but if you keep your heart open through that, it really doesn’t linger.  When you are actually LOVED for your True Self?  WOW!!!  That will be the finest moment of your entire life … and hopefully continue on for many more of the increasingly finest moments you will even know beyond.

You can’t get there by being the person you feel everyone thinks you should be though … you have to be the real YOU.  Otherwise?  You will never really be loved for who you are … and isn’t THAT what we all ultimately want?????

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pic from bipolarmuse. This post is the meditative result of my prior post, “Worthiness is our Birthright“.

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