The tricky thing about language is that we really don’t grasp or comprehend what somebody else’s interpretation of each word is. When I say “bliss” I think of floating with sea turtles while snorkeling on the north shore of Kauai. Somebody else’s version of that same word could be a remembrance of their first kiss … and yet another’s interpretation could be the adrenaline rush after an hours worth of strenuous exercise. I might personally use different words for each one of those experiences, but they use the word “bliss” … and I am instantly transported to my own personal interpretation.

When you think of all the other myriad of words (and combinations of words) in the English language, and in any other language, you begin to realize the importance of understanding the reality of how we literally live in language.

This was made crystal clear to me in the past few weeks. I experienced what I termed as judgment from a close family member. Fortunately I have done enough spiritual and meditative work that I did not react in a negative way at the time. However, this instance continued to bother me over the last few weeks. In talking about this with a mentor and a group of peers I began to see that my interpretation of “judgment” is very different than theirs. So for the past few weeks I have been meditating on just what “judgment” means to me … here is what I was very surprised to have come up with:

– “Judgment” for me taps into the emotions around getting caught by an abusive stepmother exploring what to me was completely innocent and new-found as a maturing 12-year-old … not realizing that this is considered “wrong” by many people. My stepmother proceeded to convince my father that I could not be trusted around children because of this … I was disgusting to her; I could hear it in her voice.

– Judgment, for me, is in my head; dating back to that same twelve year old being molested by an older man in the neighborhood who befriended me after my mother’s death. I should have DONE something other than sit there in a trance-like state of shock/horror … it was all MY fault (or so my mind repeated over and over).

– “Judgment” emotionally taps into a physically abusive older brother who, as a three hundred pound football lineman, would bruise me, slap me, or sit on me and spit in my face … or some variation of this type of treatment on an almost daily basis. Between him and my stepmother I abandoned my bedroom for the privacy and safety of rooftops.

– “Judgment” for me causes emotions to stir from that same brother, along with several other older siblings, admitting me into a religious program with the intention of “changing me” … there was something wrong with me, you see.

– “Judgment” for me is when I had a spiritual revelation and God told me that I am Loved, and beautiful just as I am, I was renounced by family and friends alike for believing it.

Is it any wonder that “judgment” has occurred for me as a thing of deepest dread … the stuff nightmares are made of??

Do you think that the family member I felt judged by intended THOSE feelings with what he said? I know for a FACT that he did not … but subconsciously that was what occurred for me when “judgment” happened.

The point of all of this is not to vent or be a martyr … the time for all of that in my life is LONG since past. I have worked it all through, forgiven and let go of most of it. No, this exercise for me was a matter of staid observance and rational detachment … sitting back in the seat of my consciousness and allowing these internal blockages to be released and flow out of me. Now that I am aware of my interpretations for the word “judgment” whenever it occurs within me I can now say,

“You are not being attacked, they are not intending what your personal experience of judgment is.”

I am now free of what before was a very powerful trigger … this, to me, is one of the primary benefits of inner work and spiritual connectivity.

If I had not gone through what I went through I would not be in the place that I am now; where I understand such a thing. The very dread voices that caused me SUCH despair are ALSO the voices that drove me to depend on God that much MORE. The intensely intimate, real and visceral relationship I have with God is a result of all of this … transforming me into the person who will contribute whatever it is that God wants me to contribute for the rest of my life.

Through this I can be grateful for everything I have experienced, or will … it all just brings me that much closer to God.

So what words do you have in your life where you might have a different translation than with somebody else intends?? The next time you’re triggered into an emotional response … think about it … see if you can learn to swim in the language you live in, rather than drown in it.

Peace and Love

~~~~~~~

– Mother Theresa